Evens are Odds: August 2017

Refinement

*The gang setting a table for a fancy dinner party; Allison and Teddy looking slightly flummoxed about how to fold napkins for the place settings* TEDDY: *Holding a napkin folded into a paper airplane* "I never went to finishing school or anything, but I'm pretty sure this is how you're meant to do it!.."

Of course, your standard dart is a performance design: For parties with higher formality you could opt for a more elaborate plane to up your fanciness, but you'd have to be prepared for a corresponding hit to your stability and general flight efficiency, which, considering napkins are already far from the ideal medium for paper airplanes...

Home

TEDDY: "You know, it's kind of surprising: You'd think working in the Amazon, your life would be drastically different, but when it comes right down to it, it's really not: sure, you don't have internet, and quickly adapt your sleep cycles to daylight hours, but at the end of the day, you have your routines; you eat, sleep, brush your teeth, bathe, work on your projects... You're still YOU: that doesn't change. That's all that really matters." ~ *Pencil lead slowly runs out to be replaced by bamboo charcoal* *In the jungle, Allison and Teddy in a hammock, Teddy without a shirt on* TEDDY: "Ok, sure, your pencil lead runs out, and you can't just run to the store for more, but you can work around that with a bit of creativity..." ALLISON: "You haven't put a shirt on in 2 weeks"

That's "Homemade Bamboo Charcoal," for those medium-philes keeping track at home!..

Aysomptotic

*Graph plotting "AWKWARDNESS of finding a seat on PUBLIC TRANSIT" against "Percentage CAPACITY Occupied" with near zero values spiking drastically at fifty percent, before dropping to fairly low again through the upper range, and than skyrocketing as the graph passes 100%* TEDDY: *sitting on a little old lady's lap* "Hi, I'm Teddy!"

Ruminations

*2:00AM* SCUMBAG BRAIN: "Pssst! Hey." ~ BRAIN: *Hovering over a sleeping Teddy* "Hey. Wake up. Wake up! Hey! Hey, wake up!.." ~ *Teddy sits up groggily* BRAIN: "Pizza is essentially just a really thin casserole." ~ *Teddy rolls over, going back to sleep* BRAIN: *insistently nudging Teddy* "Hey, listen! Are you going back to sleep? LISTEN! You need to remember this! This is IMPORTANT stuff!"

Ok, Brain, I remembered. Are you happy now?
Also, without legitimatizing this by expending literally another second contemplating it, I'm pretty sure I refute your assertion on the casserole front, so not really sure where that leaves us...

Theory

*Graph depicting exponential correlation between "Atmospheric OXYGEN Concentration" and "EXPLOSION Spontaneity", with "Our Universe" at ~20% oxygen with a near zero chance of spontaneous explosion, and the "MICHAEL BAY CINEMATIC Universe" with an alarmingly high chance of spontaneous explosion at nearly 100% atmospheric oxygen.* ~ TEDDY: *Presenting chart to audience of Allison and Mark* "Now hear me out: There's some intriguing math I think y'all should look at before making any judgments..." *Mark looking on, unconvinced* ALLISON: "Yeah, still doesn't do jack for the misogyny, racism, tone-deafness, perversion..."

...Aaannndd now I'm curios

#ISmellAnExperiementComingOn?..

Priorities III

"Say what you will about LORD VOLDEMORT, you've got to give him credit for largely forestalling his antics till the end of the academic year..." VOLDEMORT: "Education first!"

#When you know you're going to be without internet in the Amazon for a couple weeks so load your phone up with the most convenient audiobooks you have on hand... #As if you need an excuse to go through the Harry Potter books again...

Historic

"~Tuning in now, thanks to GoogleOverlord(TM)'s groundbreaking new FTL quantum communications platform, we prepare to witness LIVE the Momus 1 crew, disembarking for the first time onto a world orbiting another star: Much as Neil Armstrong's famous "One small step" marked a generation, the whole world waits united to hear Captain Theodor Dukkins' first words, which will undoubtedly define a brave new era of exploration for all of HUMANKIND...~" ~ *On alien planet* TEDDY: *In space suit looking back towards crew disembarking* "Wow! It's like I'm seeing you guys in a whole new light!"

Alternate setup for this punchline: Just any dad changing a light bulb...

Social Protocol

ALLISON: *Returning to the gang, seated in a restaurant* "So that was actually really lucky to run into him here: He said to call his office Monday, and we can probably set up a deal!" TEDDY: "So what you're saying is that to earn his respect, one of us needs to beat him in a drinking challenge!.." ~ ALLISON: "No, that's not even remotely what I sai---" TEDDY: *standing suavely* "Don't worry guys, I'm prepared to take this one for the team!" ALLISON: "We really need to talk about your drinking problem..." ~ *End caption* TEDDY: "If he didn't want us to prove ourselves through infantilely-fraternal antics then why would he schedule this meeting in a bar?" ALLISON: "We LITERALLY JUST HAPPENED TO BE OUT ON THE SAME NIGHT IN THE SAME PLACE--Did I not just say we RAN into him? Besides, I'm not sure that the OLIVE GARDEN counts as a bar..."

Yeah, what is this, Apple Bee's?....

...Okay, I admit, I don't think I've ever been to an Olive Garden...

Persistence

*Post apocalyptic setting: A "PING" announces an incoming message* TEDDY: "What?! A message?! A message is coming in!" ALLISON: "I honestly thought we were the last ones left!" ~ EMAIL: "From: Graduation Images! To: #1 Super Special Customer It's no too late! I know we said two weeks after your graduation that it was your last chance to purchase photos of the event, but we noticed its been 7 years and you still haven't bought any, so we wanted to offer you our LIMITED TIME APOCALYPSE SPECIAL!!tm for ONE LAST FINAL CHANCE to purchase a package of these cherished memories! It really is the perfect keepsake for the end of the world! If you order now, we'll even throw in FREE SHIPPING! on orders over $25.* *or equivalent value in cat videos ($0.87 per minute of video as of...)

Originally I was going to block them, but then I was too lazy to get around to it, and now I'm just curious to see exactly how long they'll hang in there...