Jack'o'comic 2018

*In jack'o'lanterns* TEDDY: "Gah! Halloween's like a week away & I haven't had time to come up w/ an idea!"   ALLISON: "I'm sensing a theme w/ these *annual* Jack'o'comics..."
TEDDY: "Hmm.... Dinosaurs?"   ALLISON: "Seems very on brand..."    ~   *A very cute triceratops jack'o'latern: Like that's stupid to just type out, because this, you know, alt text and saying that it's a dinosaur jack'o'latern doesn't really convey much about what amounts to a very visual punch-line to all this, but trust me it's very cute. I'm quite proud of it.....          Why am I still typing this? I need to go to bed...*
Me to myself: *It's fine; reading through this in posterity they won't even realize you didn't manage to finish and post this until December...*

Look, it's a cute dinosaur, what more do you want? At least I got to actually make the jack'o'comic this year...

Comfort Zone

"My Comfort Zone: a set diagram" *leader pointing to the ENTIRE GLOBE*  vs  "Conveying my romantic interest in someone" *a highly perturbed Teddy, hiding behind a bush, tossing a crumpled note reading 'I like your boots' at a somewhat miffed Allison, donned in dinosaurs rain boots & the red umbrella from Pixar's 'The Blue Umbrella'...*

"Wow, you're so cool, just jumping in literally anywhere at the drop of a hat, like its nothing! Is there anywhere you don't just fit in?!.. 

CPP Genius Edition

"Note: I'm using the term 'Genius' here in the sense in which it is defined in Elizabeth Gilbert's 2009 TED talk. I highly recommend listening to the talk in its entirety, especially if you work in a creative field, but for the TLDR sensibility, the gist is that in 'Ancient Greece & ancient Rome...people did not happen to believe that creativity came from human beings,' but rather that it, 'was this divine attendant spirit that came to [them] from some distant & unknowable source, distant & unknowable reasons. The Greeks famously called these divine attendant spirits of creativity 'damons',' while the Romans, 'called that sort of disembodied creative spirit a genius."   ~   ALLISON: "So you get that important email you were trying to write sent?"  TEDDY: "I accidentally designed a decorative mask instead!"
My rationality & common sense: "All right let's just get this over with! Not even too bad, just need to hunker down and be productive for one quick burst..."


It is gonna be a really cool mask, though!..

...and the TED link: https://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius

...but also a little bit of just this...


Teddy: *washing hands in public bathroom* "Crap! Automatic soap dispensers..."   ~   Teddy: *sticking hand under soap sensor, to have nothing happen* "See! This always happens! Nothing! And now I can't move my hand away 'cause it will definitely dispense ON TO THE FLOOR as soon as I do! Just have to sit here waiting like an idiot!"   ~   *Teddy waits angrily, slowly waving hand beneath soap dispense as days and nights cycle past in the window*   ~   Teddy: *conceding and moving hand back to faucet* "Sigh! Well I guess it really is brok--OH GORRAM IT!" *soap dispenser finally dispenses as soon as hand is clear*
"I feel like there have been really weird astronomical phenomena recently?
Like, did you notice half a dozen day-night cycles go by in the space of about 15 seconds just now?"

Skill Set

INTERVIEWER: "...So...obviously we appreciate your enthusiasm and, uh... PREPAREDNESS...."   ~   INTERVIEWER: "...But we really meant that we were looking for someone good at METAPHORICALLY putting out fires..."  TEDDY: *wearing fire suit, with extinguisher & fire fighter's ax on the table* "Ah! Yes. I can see how that would make sense... And honestly it does go to answer some questions I had about your OFFICE ENVIRONMENT..."

"Sooo, these experiences and references may not actually be as pertinent I thought they were going to be before you said that...."

CPP: Priority Edition

*Mark & Teddy in the doorway of a dark room MARK: "Oh sorry there's no light in here, the switch is broken..." TEDDY: "Wait, is it actually JUST the switch, 'cause that'd be DEAD EASY to swap out: In fact, I'm pretty sure I have some new wall switches in my stuff..."*   ~   "When it's SOMEONE ELSE's thing that needs to be FIXED:"  "LITERALLY 5 MINUTES later:"  TEDDY: *switching on the light* "Hey, how about that! That fixed it!"   ~vs~   "When it's MY thing that needs to be fixed:"  "3 YEARS later:"  *A completely black room, a loud "CLUNK!" reverberating through*  DISEMBODIED SPEECH BUBBLE: "OW!!"

...But see, I can fix MY shit ANYTIME;
Whereas if I don't fix this rest stop soap dispenser NOW, nobody's EVER going to do it!...  


*Teddy in the process of blowing up a life-size elephant inflatable, sewing supplies and materials still strewn about.* ALLISON: *entering and immediately leaving the room* "Nope! I LITERALLY refuse to talk about this."   TEDDY: "I'm telling you, it's an UNTAPPED market!.."

I've already got about 37 dozen too many projects going on at the moment, so can't make a commitment to any kind of timeline, but pretty sure this means I'm gonna actually make a life-size inflatable elephant at some point.

I'm thinking briefcase-deployed?..

Playing House

"As KIDS" *young Teddy and Allison in a play room playing house*   ~ "-VS-" ~   "As YOUNG ADULTS" *Teddy and Allison moving into a house, "SOLD" sign on the lawn.*

"Honey, I'm Home!"

"Ah, perfect timing! Diner's almost ready: How well done do you want your dinosaur?"


*Teddy approaching a creepy run down house on a dark, stormy night*   ALLISON *on the phone*: "...and you've NEVER heard of this 'Great Uncle'..."  ~  TEDDY *opening the front door to enter with a "creeeaak"*: "No, but my lawyer says the WILL is very clear: I just have to spend 1 NIGHT here, and the house is mine, just like tha---"  ~  *Door "SLAMS" shut of it's own volition, revealing a creepy ghost child looming ominously behind Teddy...*   ~   Cut to "...Several months later..." *house under renovation, brightly lit and cheerful*  TEDDY *holding up two flooring samples*: "Ok, so what do you think of these two: Harvest Wheat or Honey Oat?"  CREEPY GHOST CHILD *hovering casually on by*: "I dunno, I'm still not sold on White Oak over the Maple..."

This is almost certainly my white male privilege talking, but my tolerance for creepy ghost children is actually really very high when taken in consideration with my affinity for old houses in need of a bit of love, so you know, hit me up if you're looking for someone to give your *Great Uncle's place* to!..

...or if you wanted to pursue a sitcom featuring a Craftsperson-Creepy Ghost Child house renovation duo; we could talk about that too...

To the Letter

ALLISON: "See, now, I would've thought it was self-evident that was a TYPO..."   TEDDY: *In the middle of applying a wall with a tile mosaic of a moose* "Hey, your text clearly said you wanted a "MOOSAIC"...

*receives text and notices typo*
*immediately drops everything to begin application before Allison can get home and correct herself*....


"Tree: (trē) n. [Ang. trēow] A mechanism for converting AIR to WOOD using SOLAR POWER..."

Just add water!.. 

...And don't let it get too cold, or the solar panels will all break down and fall off, and then it's a whole thing, and a couple months lead time to get new ones installed...

CPP Potential Edition

"LATER:" TEDDY *going through the scrap cut-off pile in his shop*: "Hmmm... A lot of these pieces are still a decent size: Maybe I should save them in case I ever need to do some blocking or something..." "*Literally went through this same pile last time blocking was required & couldn't find any pieces big enough to use...*"  ~  "Sigh! Guess I'll just BUY some actual firewood..."  ~   TEDDY *stopping chopping a load of firewood to examine the logs*: "Hmmm. Now that I'm seeing these, you know what they'd be REALLY cool for..."  ~  "WOOD CHIPS IT IS!"  ~   TEDDY *examining a handful of wood pellets*: "Hmmm... I wonder what it'd be like if I tried making a custom form and pressing my own particle board..."   "...."

*Teddy dejectedly re-installs the gas fireplace insert*   ~   "Wow, it must be amazing to have a brain where you can just look at firewood and see that!.."

"Hmmm" has to be one of the most dangerous things a crafts person can say... 

How to Flirt

"Evens are Odds presents: How to Flirt; The Official, Definitive (,Evolving) Guide" ALLISON: *at checkout* "Back again! Guess you forgot something?" TEDDY: *looking away as he passes over his merchandise* "Yes...Forgot..."   ~   "STEP 1: Lay down a KILLER witticism: Witticisms are a great way to convey your interest with *ABSOLUTELY NO* risk of coming out as clunky, overly-magniloquent impediments to natural flow, with an inherently unrealistic expectation of continued conversation..."  TEDDY: *as Allison is busy inputting something into the computer* "Yeah, I'm back! Guess I just couldn't get enough of the customer service!.."   ~   "STEP 2: Adapt: Be prepared to think on your feet & come up with some recovery lines on the spot on the *OFF CHANCE* the exchange doesn't progress EXACTLY as you rehearsed it in the hours you spent honing that *masterpiece* of an opener..."   ALLISON: "Sorry, what was that? *clearly didn't hear* I was still on the previous conversation I was having about investments *obvious opening*"   TEDDY: "..."   ALLISON: "Oh, customer service you said? Did you need help w/ something? Find everything OK?"   TEDDY: *in thought bubbles, considering options of what to say* "No, found everything just fine! Was referring more to the exceptional checkout personnel!" or "Sorry, I was just stupidly trying to be witty or something... I just meant keep up the good work!"   ~   "STEP 3: BAIL!: Oh crap, we're actually doing this, aren't we? What are you doing? Say something! No, not that: You're just saying words... You're saying random words right now. No, you know how money works.  That's not how money works..."   TEDDY: *slightly manic, hurrying out the door* "NO IT'S FINE! I DIDN'T NEED ANYTHING ANYWAYS, HA HA! OKAY, BYE, YOU’RE WELCOME! BYE!"   ALLISON: *in the background calling after him holding out the shopping bag with his purchases* "Um, your bag?"   ~   "👍Good job! I'm sure they got the gist of it!👍"

"Why do you have 2 dozen of those True Value purchase bags with just 1 individual screw each?"

General Guidelines for Engaging in a Flirtation:
1.) Probably find a more normal way to say it than "Engaging in a Flirtation".....


*Teddy walking by notices Allison's phone left behind on the table* TEDDY: *sends Allison text w/ a photo of him holding reading "Haha, forget something? ;)"   *Allison's phone rings in his hand receiving the text*

"What do you mean SMS isn't a format for communicating telepathic information directly into some else's brain?!..."