Evens are Odds: September 2016

Conspiracy

I also feel like in the new versions of society's OS, they've replaced "How about this weather?" in the small talk dictionaries with "I swear the seats are getting smaller!"

Rule number 1 of the internet: It ALWAYS comes back to cats...

...But hey, at least if they can survive till the rise of a new society, he'll be the most powerful man in the world when 'cat videos' inevitably emerge as the eminent currency...

Association

"You know that thing where they say you never realize how many people you hate till you try to name a baby? With me it's kinda like that, but with notable DOGS I've met & still fondly remember..." TEDDY: *gesturing to kids* "...And these are our children, COSMO, CHIOT, and REX..."

Maybe I shouldn't be so cavalier dropping these as baby names...

Wouldn't want my sibs stealing the idea before I get a chance to actually use them...

Rusty

*In a dark shady setting* MARK: "We really need you on this one." TEDDY:"I told you: I'm RETIRED. You're just gonna have to find someone else..." ~ MARK: "You think I'd trust any old kid on a job like this?" TEDDY: "I left that life a long time ago. You're asking me to draw on skills I don't even know if I have anymore..." MARK: "Come on, it'll be like riding a bike! For old times sake!" TEDDY: "Ah hell, alright. For old times sake." ~ *Cut to bright classroom with 'SAT Math Prep' written on board* TEDDY: "Hi, I'm Teddy, and I'll be your math tutor today..."

Well, this awkward, because, see, now it seems like this is evidence for that horrible "when am I ever going to use this in real life" shtick...

I use math in real life every day, I swear! It's just been a while since I've done math for math's sake...

Glamping

You don't realize just how spoiled you are on a proper trek, camping at sites with an entire lake to yourselves, till you have to come back to the East Coast, with it's crowded ,little, compartmentalized loops full of screaming children and traffic...

Lifestyle

*Teddy on a jobsite carrying a beafy 8x8 by himself* "Do you even lift, Bro?"

Basically my internal argument for not being more proactive when it comes to my own lifestyle in one panel...

Reality Check

"PRO-TIP: If you ever find yourself pondering a big life decision and you're not sure whether or not it's a good idea, ask yourself if it seems the kind of thing you wouldn't be surprised to see as a premise for a reality TV show..." *Allison and Teddy standing in front of VERY rough, falling down old house* ALLISON: "Hi! I've got no actual life experience, but my Daddy tries to mask his emotional ineptitude by turning a blind eye to my credit card bills!" TEDDY: "And I've got $19.37 in my bank account, and $70,000 in student loans, but I just graduated architecture school, and helped build a garage one time, so now think I'm qualified to be the acting GC on a property flip!" TOGETHER:"We just met 1 week ago on Tinder, but now we've bought this house together!" "...If the answer is 'YES,' you probably shouldn't do it..."

This is a fictionalize vignette, of course: I built a sweet basement apartment once, too!...

...So, in other words, if anyone's actually looking to get into real-estate & wants to become an investment partner and match my my sweat equity with, you know, ACTUAL equity... Call me! I'm available! (Can't make any promises on the 'Ill-fated romantic entanglement' part, but, hell!- within reason on the gender & age appropriateness front, I'm game to give it a go if you are!..)

To-Do

MARK *entering workshop*: So what gives? I thought you said you had to spend today cleaning your room before your relatives visit?" TEDDY *making some piece of furniture*: "Yeah, what do you think I'm doing?"

The awkward thing is, it didn't even occur to me till like four days later that there was anything even remotely atypical about budgeting time for "cleaning my room" for me basically being synonymous with "constructing custom furniture"...

Accomplished

INTERVIEWERS: "Can you tell us about any commendations or notable accomplishments?.." ~ TEDDY: "One time I successfully made a passable PAELLA..." *interviews look impressed and make note.*

*Updates LinkedIn profile*...

Cocktail Edition! - The Blithering Jarhead

"Evens are Odds Cocktail Edition" "The Patently Blithering & Jarheaded (or a "Blithering Jarhead" for short" "Price: $ Reasonable; Taste: Reasonably Drinkable; Rep: !Hipster Warning! ; Strength: Decent? IDK, I feel like my tolerance is a bit screwy right now..." "1. Get (1) JAM JAR that's finished, but still has those last clinging remnants that aren't worth it to try to clean out if you don't have superpowers/are a grandma..." “2. Fill (1/3) -1/4, I suppose, depending on the size of the jar and your preference- with AMARETTO. Secure cap, and shake vigorously till jam is dissolved(-ish; actual dissolving results/NON-chunkiness may vary, but at least try to get it largely dissolved from those trickier crevices…)” “3. TOP OFF with PORTER or similar toasty, dark BEER. Maybe give it a few light sloshes while you still have that cap lying around to ensure its all well mixed…” “4. Enjoy! Straight from the jar! It’s good enough for Portland, after all, and seeing as you were just going to recycle it anyway, you now effectively have the most legit ever disposable drinkware that you won’t have to properly wash!” ~ ALLISON: “So basically this is just an excuse to not clean or throw out the empty jars from the fridge, basically ever?..” TEDDY: “No, see, NOW I actually NEED them!”

Welp, there are two in the series now, guess that means I have no choice but to make a full Evens are Odds Cocktail book...

...Because it totally wouldn't be a terrible idea at all to even tangentially imply that these are legitimate and acceptable recipes that would be perfectly fine for an actual human being to try to make and consume in real life...